Category Archive

Bel from Audaci’s comment made me thunk and will hopefully change my mindset as I’m woeful at taking my own advice.

But really I should try to be proud of the baby steps of progress so far.  I have learnt stuff, I may not know as much about <insert enzyme/hormone here> as some others but I’m learning stuff.

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and now for something completely different

On another note, i saw Leigh Warren and Dancer’s new piece, Seven at the Adelaide Fringe, which was great. It was terrific seeing my friends perform and obviously relish the performance, though it made me more than a little wistful.  But really, despite the workload and the constant feeling of overload, I’m really enjoying medicine and can look back on my performing fondly and without too much sadness.

I do miss being creative though, and have signed up for our Health and Human Rights Group as junior media rep, which hopefully will prove fun.  The cynic in me says that no way a small bunch of wide eyed med students can never make much of a difference which  is balanced against the wide eyed optimism that the sentiment is worth working for and that we certainly can make a difference to communities in need.

I also miss teaching, I really have to find somewhere to teach…

Bel’s post on the transition from creative industries to medicine made me think over my transition too. (just to add to the list, here is another ex-dancer turned med student)

I enjoyed my time in the arts. I loved it. I loved the camaraderie of creating a performance, performing it, touring with it and growing with it. I loved many of the people I met, I loved the thrill of creating my own work, realising my vision.  I guess why I left was of practicality, and also a feeling that I needed a change.  I was satisfied with what I had done. Like Audaci I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it made sense to me, and it seemed ‘right’ and still does despite my whinging and bitching.

There was certainly an element that it was no longer as fulfilling as it was before. Those who’ve read this for a while know my issues with the whole system of publically funded art, the politics of getting the money and also a certain angst of, what is it, cosmically speaking, all for?  I never did get a good answer to that, but along with a feeling that dancing was no longer the most fun I could have and the very real prospect of being ‘damaged goods’ due to bodgy lungs, it seemed ripe to change.

 ”The one thing that art and health have in common is the human experience.  Across both you will see the full spectrum of human suffering and elation.  The former may be a more abstract, disconnected version of, but the link is there.  Across both you will find your mind challenged, twisted in ways you never thought possible, you’re exposed to depths of knowledge hitherto unimagined.  So similar, but so different.  The problem solving too, the starting with nothing and creating a whole picture is so similar.  You need that same arsenal of skills, even though the skills themselves may differ.  And the sense of personal challenge is the same. “

I was just talking about it to a friend of mine, and I really do see a continuum across my eclectic background.  The challenges, the element of the human - its frailty, its beauty and its many faces, the drawing and synthesis of ideas from disparate sources,  the learning, the teaching and sharing of knowledge and experience, it is, as Bel says, same same, but different.

I don’t know if this post makes any sense, but I’ve been trying to get down some thoughts as I muddle my way through this med school thing.

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for bloggers/forum junkies

To nick a phrase found on Orac’s blog, ‘the stupid, it burns’.
I happen to be a forum and blog junkie and recently on one of the many I visit, an argument appeared as to what a ‘dancer’ is.

Dancers are one of the few groups of people who are so insanely ego-centric that they would get uppity over the correct usage of the designation of dancer. They have elevated it into a hallowed title, conveying an aura of ‘dancerness’, of ability, passion blah blah blah.
So some argue the strictest dictionary application - that dancer is one who dances in public for pay.
Which is patently stupid when considering the rich heritage of other cultures where dance is simply a way of life. The advent of ‘dance’ and indeed ‘art’ as a profession is very recent, these activities have been a part of all human cultures for thousands of years, pretty much as soon as culture developed - from caveman days of rockpainting and jewelry making.
But no, bobbleheads still insist that a professional arts corps is necessary because without it ‘There would be no jane austen, no bach, andy warhol, no great musicians, building would only be functional, walls would all be one colour’ I mean, jeebus, if we didn’t have professional artists, holy jeepers batman, colour would never have been invented!!!!
also highly amusing because one of Warhols ideas was that art is potentially anything one considers to be art. And that art and not art is a blurred distinction

Other knuckleheads content that to be worthy of the term dancer one must have ‘passion’ for it, as if that is a useful definition. You might as well make ‘dancerness’ a criteria.

Interestingly it was only students and non-professional dancers who were all up in arms. My pet theory is that dancers as a whole are so mindboggling insecure that they need a shibboleth to feel secure in themselves and their art. They need a way to differentiate themselves from the mass of the ‘other’.
Or perhaps, as some of them will not assign the title of ‘dancer’ to themselves, feeling themselves unworthy of the title, it is because of the deification of dancers and artists generally - something that John Carey talks about in ‘What good are the Arts?’.
“talk of the immortality of art, in the absence of a belief in God, is childish and self- deceiving”

I was recently at a shindig for dancers and dance artists and had to exert considerable self control not to explode in an indignant mess.
I love the arts, despite being a grouchy bastard, I really believe and enjoy them, but recently I am seeing that we, as artists, could possibly be the worst thing that ever happened to art.

On several occasions I’ve been to talks and showings about ‘research’, movement ‘research’ and the like.  As a budding scientist and also just because I have a brain, its pissing me off - I am more than willing to accept the need to discover new things in art practice and that it requires investigation. But what I’ve seen is absolute rubbish which is indulgent, stupid and justifies why people hate contemporary art.

Case A.
A  choreographer and dancer have been given 4 weeks of rehearsal space time to research her project, which was vaguely looking at Communication Technologies, pas and present.  So I dutifully trundled out, as my practice is technologically mediated and I do love a good stickybeak.   I then spent the next hour physically holding myelf in so I didn’t launch myself onto stage and hurt someone - either that or holding in bales of laughter at the sheer idiocy of it.  It was actually offensive how insanely stupid the showing was.   It consisted of 2 dancers in various scenarios looking at communication technologies
*Idea one.  Stand on one leg, balance while wriggling fingers like they do in bad hacker movie. This was supposed to represent SMS-technology.
*Idea two. Hold hand to ear like you had a phone and rush around.
*idea three. Do the same as above but run from the back of the stage to the front of the stage, stopping suddenly and running back
*idea four.  Walk in circles rapidly. Apparently this was to convey the idea of radio wave propagation.
*sitting down while flapping hands - smoke signals

Case B.
this time a 2 week research grant.
Which developed a ‘call and response’ technique using sensors.
I mean WTF? A cellist plays a phrase. the dancer moves a limb hooked up with a bend sensor which triggers a pre-recorded track. Woop. Who the hell cares? Its old, and uninteresting to boot.

Case C.
I overheard two choreographers passionately talking about this ‘research’ they were going to do on tango  dancing.  I like tango dancing. I can’t do it, but it sure is awesome to watch.  However the premise for their research was ‘what if i put my leg here, instead of here’.  I mean, what if? Its exactly the same as tango, except every so often my leg goes on the outside instead of the inside - amazing.

While these may all be necessary stages in their arts practice to develop as artists, I really have to question, does the public purse have a duty to fund them? Perhaps I’m just grouchy, but for me, these projects, answer and deliver nothing of use.  It seems that this sot of thing is better left to dicking about in loungerooms.
A problem is the funding structure that I am talking about in particular - which is specifically for ‘research’ and not to be outcome oriented. But perhaps it should be - maybe it will filter out stupid, if people know they are supposed to put something on.  One thing to say about free market capitalism is that it forces some sort of applicability due to the need for public consumption - it does limit innovation as it means work has to ‘populist’ (not always a bad thing), but the state supported model goes the other way, and lets artists get all carried away with their own importance and encourages them to waffle about directionlessly.

Three works by Nacho Duato is lovely.Really really lovely. I took a friend who is admittedly not into the contemporary dance thing, and there is little better to take someone like her to. The dancers are just phenomenal, they move with strength and precision and such liquid grace- it made me more than a little jealous.
However his work is, same-y, for wont of a better one. The three works are vague and similar in movement style, but when his signature is creating glorious long liquid phrases of movement with witty and whimsical musicality, I really didn’t mind that they were similar.  He has a nack for picking gorgeous music, and a talent for arranging the space with bodies, light, costume and set brilliantly.  In short, a breathtakingly beautiful night of dance - for me, it does what dance does best, convey something visceral, something one can’t express it in words.

‘Alas’ also by Duato was a huge disappointment after the triple bill.  The elements were there - Nacho’s choreography, Thomas Pandur as director and Wim Wenders gorgeous film, “wings of desire’ as the text. But somehow in bringing it together, it sucked.  Once you put dramaturgy with dance, you had better damn well make sure its good. This was overblown and self indulgent.  The images were beautiful, the dancers exquisite, but the movement and musicality lost out, the digital projections were woefully bad, the use of voice and text basic and uninspired.  Nacho himself played the angel Demiel, and it was bad.  He can’t move as well as he  used to, and in stark relief against his dancers its painfully obvious, as my less kind friend said, he had no acting ability, nor personal charisma. It seemed largely a vehicle for him to take off his shirt, look distractingly handsome and writhe a bit.  The end image, while lovely in conception (the dancers climbing up a column to heaven, the floor flooded with the angel writing on the ground splashing) was hilariously bad as Nacho splooshed around in the flooded stage, periodically splashing meaningfully as he did 1st year contemporary dance floor work.
Kudos to him for trying something different, but very disappointing after the sublime beauty of the triple bill

Construct by Tanja Liedtke.
It was superb. Clever, witty, fun, accessible.
The dancers are just superhuman, capable of feats of control, daring beyond comprehension all with a cheeky insouciance.
Great use of props, and staging. See it.
It was incredibly difficult to watch, as I had worked on one of the precursor pieces to it, and could still hear Tanja giving us the task (and incidently getting cranky as I wasn’tn doing it very well)(and now I see how its supposed to be done, totally fair enough), but a really special work.
The team which pulled it together are truly astonishing. And lovely to boot.

Mortal Engine - Chunky Move
Unbelievably irritating. It was like watching the windows media screen saver for an hour.   It lost the charm and  connection that ‘Glow’ their previous work had.  I didn’t feel any connection to the ‘narrative’ or the dancers - it was all engine, with little of the ‘mortal’.
I was so totally distracted by the technology - which as an artist who is working on similar things, I know is not all that super mega difficult, that I lost interest in the work as a performance and spent my time rebuilding their effects on my platform.
It really looked like a first stage work - where they found cool effects and made up dances to go with it, incidentally.

I think there is some potential in dance and technology but it is elusive and difficult.

Its been quite overwhelming, and I still haven’t quite gotten it through my head.

I’m still getting that giddy feeling of excitement when the offer came through, and also daunted by what I need to organise to get there in time, and the enormousness (interestingly enormity is supposed to be reserved for things of great wickedness) of the change that it entails.

But change is good.

Its been a bit over 12 years since I first decided that dancing was the way to go (prior to that I had aimed for something legal. or becoming Optimus Prime), and its been a tremendous lot of fun. Lots of hardwork and heartbreak involved, but still, I’d contend few careers offer such fun as one in the theatre. Along the way I’ve had the privilege of working with enormous names, huge companies with seemingly endless resources, and also with up and coming talent on the proverbial smell of an oily rag. I’ve met some of the most wonderful people and gotten to travel.  I guess this is my little thank you to dance and theatre, and all the people in it.

Like many prospective medical students, I’m nervous about how much I have to learn, how I will cope with the challenges of the profession - particularly dealing with death and illness, a failing system. But it is also tremendously exciting - a new challenge to overcome.
I want to be careful not to  lose my creativity, my enjoyment of art, and the joy of making something beautiful.  I want to make sure I dont lose touch with the world outside of medicine and my friends.

Its soon, I move in 4 days , and I get to start afresh

A hazard of the job, usually one that we take in our stride.
After Gigantor - the Ballerina from my previous ballet ( I may blog about her soon. Suffice to say her name was well justified), I was hoping that I could earn some easy giftmas monies being a rent-a-prince for a friends new ballet school.
Typically the girls are small, light and good which makes me look good. And I love attention.

Well the attention was great, and most of the girls were small, light and good. But unfortunately my partner was not. She had never partnered before, and had no aptitude or instinct for it. She was an ok dancer on her own, but put someone partnering her and it went pear shaped.
I managed to avoid most injuries, but memorably, I got cracked in the nads during a shoulder sit due to uncontrolled flailing limbs, and the equally unpleasant, Arse in Face. At least being 18 she had more sphincter control meaning I was mercifully spared the farting part. But still having someone shove their arse into your face repeatedly (unless its Eva Green)), with nose breaking force is still not fun, and not the picture of grace and elegance that the Sleeping Beauty is supposed to be

So as part of our tour around regional Tasmania, we were to introduce children to the joys of the ballet. So out come the costumes, the inevitable questions as to whether or not one can do the splits, the walking on the toes etc etc.
To make things a bit more exciting I added in a few big ballet lifts including the always crowd pleasing one armed lifts (which is nice and easy with a partner as small as Noodle) , but this one time, at a Slopeytown, (so called because of a steeply raked stage) I decided that audience participation was to go and I would risk my lower back for the amusement of the towns children and lift them.

So we got 6 little uns, and one by one they were hurled into the air, however, perhaps the excitement or sheer terror proved too much, and the last one, as she was lifted high in the air, couldn’t contain herself and let rip.
Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft

damn stink children.

I don’t do fear.  I used to, but not for a good while now, whether its a solo adventure in the wilderness, some crazy acrobatic trick, falling up or down rocks, or biting off more than I can chew, I dont let fear get in my way.

But now waiting for these damn medical school offers, I’m scared. I’m scared if I dont get in, and I’m also scared if I do.
Dont get me wrong,  I’m so excited about the prospect of  going to med school, that  I can barely contain squealing like a little girl, but  for a  variety of reasons it scares me too.

Doing these final performances has really reinforced to me just how much I do love dance, and also ballet in particular.  I love the movement, I even love the corny arse acting and melodrama. I love teaching it, and coaching it.  I’m actually at a point where I am respected for what I can do and what I know, I’m in a position where I can help others, and also coming into my own as a performing artist. Technically and artistically its actually just starting to come together.  And I’m quitting.
In my visual art too, the last few projects have really shown that I’m actually really good at what I do, I’m doing things that are different, interesting and of high quality, there too, I feel I’m just hitting my stride.

And I’m quitting to enter a field which I am fascinated by, but have no ability in.  I have no idea how I’ll do, I haven’t done science since yr 12. I’m starting again, from scratch in a huge huge pool of people who are so smart that my head spins.  Its just my ego talking but its nice being a big fish in small pond, its great that people from across the country know of me. Admittedly in an incredibly small and incestueous industry, but still, recognition is great.
I’m not that great an egomaniac that I’ll miss that recognition for more than 5 min, but I worry that I wont be able to cope with the demands, that perhaps I may lose the optimism and enthusiasm that I have now. I worry how I’ll cope with seeing death, I worry that with the shaky nature of the medical field currently that I’ll get lost in the system as the Govt has a vested interest in having loads of highly trained doctors who aren’t quite specialist level yet and so are therefore cheap.

These fears kick on on my good days when I think I’ll get into med school, other days, (oh what am I talking about, my feelings change every hour) I think that my dream run so far has been a lovely dream, my gamsat mark was in fact incorrect and that I really shouldn’t even have had an interview.   Then what do I do?

While I feel as a performer I’m reaching my best, no one else seems to think so who can give me work, I”ve reached a professional dead end, where companies and directors like me enough, but not enough for work.

So I’m back where I am, a state of fear, trepidation and excitement. Whatever happens I’m sure it’ll be an adventure, but for now, its back to the waiting game.

Word or Phrase of the day

Dunning-Kruger effect -is the phenomenon whereby people who have little knowledge systematically think that they know more than others who have much more knowledge.

Our techy was a highly annoying man who displayed classic Dunning - Kruger effect.  He pretty much examplified the reason why i dislike some mac users.  Upon learning I used a PC to do graffikal/multimedia work he promptly berated me that Mac was indeed far superior to anything on PC.  When I pointed out that my main applications - Maya and Touch work well on PC. (Maya does run on Mac as of recently) he said that “Bah thats because you use crap PC programs”. Last I checked Maya was a rather well regarded application.
He also boasted that his hearing range was from 2hz to 26khz. Which may be true, though from what I understand of people working in the live music industry thats probably unlikely, who cares? I mean we were doing notes for the show. I couldn’t give a crap if he could hear god himself talking at that point. Ok thats not Dunning-Kruger but still, freaking annoying having someone spending 10 min regaling us his superhuman hearing while we are doing notes.

Continuing on with my stream of conciousness rant - this rant was allowed to continue because our director was incapable of well, directing.  On numerous occasions she should have stepped in and executed directorial decisions and she failed each time.
When a choreographer scheduled new rehearsals outside of official times ‘Talk to him, I had nothing to do about it”
When a choreographer and a dancer had a tiff (rather entertaining too) she didn’t broker a peace or enforce a timeout and mediation. Her solution was to sit at the edge of the studio and say ” I dont know”, then followed by ” she’ll be here”. When it was plainly clear that there was no way those two could actually see each other and not try to kill each other.

Incompetence
A multimedia designer taking photos of shadow play. Simple yes? Well no, it turns out that if you are  bumbling retard and take photos of backlit shadows on a white sheet WITH THE FLASH ON, astonishingly nothing comes out other than a big fat white blarg.
I probably wouldn’t have minded so much if a/ it wasn’t 20:00 on a day i was supposed to finish at 16:00 and b/ having to put up with her constantly reminding us just how damn good she was

Now what else can I rant on about? actually that’ll do for tonight. Good day

After the show, as she walks out the door

“I HAVE to see my boyfriend tonight”

Next day as she enters the dressing room

“Oh my god, my throat is so SORE, I was barking like a dog all night”

I recently did a project with Adam Synott and was reminded of how much satisfaction and pleasure I used to get and is possible to get from creative pursuits.  Working with friends, people who have a solid understanding of process, and who trust each member in their skill was an all too rare joy.  It used to be like this, working on the things I wanted to work on, with people I wanted to, on projects I was invested in.  But somewhere along the way, I ended up pursuing bigger gigs, bigger contracts, commissions and compromises.
I think we came up with some fantastic stuff, certainly interesting things that will lead on to bigger and better things.  Its such a difference from commissioned works where there is money but so many restrictions, egos to satisfy, and where more time is spent discussing than making.

I’m currently dancing again, I’m not really enjoying much of it, due largely to the attitude that is so prevalent in the industry.  Because we are the ones who are up on stage, we care deeply about how we look, and so companies will exploit that by scheduling too little rehearsal time for what they want to achieve and then cram in extra hours, extra weekdays, cutting breaks, lunch knowing that we’ll take it in order not to look stupid.  But really, in every commission I’ve had, and from what I know of project management, whatever dream one has, one has to work within the limitations imposed by the situation. If you can only afford 2.5 weeks of rehearsals , its rather daft to try and create 2hrs of brand new material across 3 shows.  Then they play the guilt factor - that they themselves aren’t getting paid, that they’re working much longer hours. But they’re irrelevant arguments - that was their choice and good on them for that, but for me, its a job, and its got to be run that way.
However, on many occasions I’ve gladly put in extra, because I was invested, and I was respected enough that I was never told to do extra, it was my choice.

What is frustrating is that this attitude is never going to change, because most dancers are grateful for any chance to perform, and if one isn’t there certainly is a younger one who damn well will, and so I fear that its never going to be sorted.

Anyways, thats my whinge for the moment.

Dear lord this study thing is hard. Why couldn’t I choose to do something easy? It could be oh so cruisy now, but no, I’m busting my chops trying to learn a year of chemistry in a couple of months. Baloney.

Also first ballet class back and holy hell did it ‘urt. Still feeling the pain. Also the above physique is not so good in hotpants. I’m goanna be sore tomorrow.

Perhaps I’m getting old, and paranoia, senility and general foolishness is setting in, but I find myself scrambling for something to hang my hat on.  While I pretty much always considered myself a ’slashy’, ie, dancer/artist/nerd/ne’er do well, now that I have had to take a sabbatical from dance, and thereby reducing my number of slashes to a number which barely warrents membership in the slashy club, I feel somehow imcomplete, and cast adrift.
Which is just me being a total wanker of course, as I am much more than the sum of my slashes. At least I damn well hope so.  But I do miss it already.  Which is fucking typical.

I also miss my stomach. I had to go back for a chest X-Ray, which of course involves the removal of ones shirt. In days gone by, it was never a great chore exposing the chiseled perfection that is me to the glare of an X-Ray and the appreciative gaze of nubile young nurses, however, after 3 weeks of wheezing, hot chocolate, croissants, chocolate croissants, hot chocolate, confits, tartes and chocolate, I now resemble not much more than pasty weisswurst of roughly the same squidy consistency.

Bah humbug