So. Thats it then. I have officially resigned, withdrawn, pulled out, retired from dancing.
The thing I have fought tooth and nail for, worked for 10 years towards, and blah blah blah <insert angst & cliche here>
Melodramatic I know, but I hope you can indulge me for just a little while.

I was thinking of gradually phasing out dance for other pastures in the next few years in any case- my interest in filmmaking, choreographing, visual art, medicine… But I am severely pissed off that the decision was removed from me.
Don’t get me wrong, I will admit to enjoying a bit of a rail against fate, a bit of (gentle) chest beating, anguish and angst. Its good for the soul.

So what is frightening now, is the uncertainty. Those of you who know me, know that lately I have developped an unhealthy compulsion to make plans. Lots of plans. This wasn’t in the plan.
Now I’m not one for actually following through with most of my plans, they’re just a security blanket, but I didn’t have a contingency for this one. Its ruined the elegant simplicity of my life. And most vexing of all, is that it has shaken the quite neccessary belief in my invincibility, or even just the belief that all that squishy stuff inside the fleshbag we call a body (albeit a impressively god-like body), will keep on doing its stuff to keep us alive.
I’m not going to let this cramp my style, I can deal with another week in hospital with Mr Pleur-Evac, and hope for a better rotation of nurses. But with performing – will a company take the risk? Can I live with the responsibility, when I have no control over it whatsoever? Will my partners trust me? It is all rather unfair.

So, in an effort to stave off insanity, I have embarked on an early New Years resolution set

  • becoming a cool blogger type person (that seems to be the thing to do these days),
  • working on my new media art,
  • directing guaranteed Oscar/Sundance/Annecy winning films and animations,
  • study chemistry -> study medicine -> become doctor -> chicks, money, power and chicks
  • obtain generous patroness who will appreciate my genius and support my lavish lifestyle.

But yes, it is quite frightening, its one of those points in life where, in 5 years, I will look back and go ‘Corr blimey gov, who’d have thought eh?’

So, onto a brave new world.

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