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So its not to be, and it turns out at least some of my fears are justified.

I did not get entry into medicine for 2008.

This blog has not been the joyful trundle I had hoped it would have been. It has somehow turned into another one of those whingy damn blogs which I generally detest, and so may end up shutting it down.

The thing which has me gutted is that I gave it my best, and even now, I would not change my answers in the interview. Which means that 8 people have decided that I am not capable of studying medicine.
The interview was supposed to be what I’m good at, it turns out that my self perception is incredibly off and I have, obviously, no idea of how I come across.

Its a time to really look hard at myself. I have no plans, no options for next year. Maybe October is my month of pain,this is the 3rd year that it has not worked out, 2006, I get sick, 2005 I miss out on the RYD scholarship. 2004, do not get a contract after working with a company and apparently doing a good job.

I know its all random, and I’m just upset right now, but fuck it, I was really hoping that this would work out, maybe that this was something I was meant to do. But obviously not.

I’m off to my good friend scotch. perhaps i will continue to rant later

But i have to keep it all under control as I have a show to do.  I honestly did not expect it to go this way.  I mean I’m supposed to be good at this, talking, communicating is what I do dammit.

I don’t do fear.  I used to, but not for a good while now, whether its a solo adventure in the wilderness, some crazy acrobatic trick, falling up or down rocks, or biting off more than I can chew, I dont let fear get in my way.

But now waiting for these damn medical school offers, I’m scared. I’m scared if I dont get in, and I’m also scared if I do.
Dont get me wrong,  I’m so excited about the prospect of  going to med school, that  I can barely contain squealing like a little girl, but  for a  variety of reasons it scares me too.

Doing these final performances has really reinforced to me just how much I do love dance, and also ballet in particular.  I love the movement, I even love the corny arse acting and melodrama. I love teaching it, and coaching it.  I’m actually at a point where I am respected for what I can do and what I know, I’m in a position where I can help others, and also coming into my own as a performing artist. Technically and artistically its actually just starting to come together.  And I’m quitting.
In my visual art too, the last few projects have really shown that I’m actually really good at what I do, I’m doing things that are different, interesting and of high quality, there too, I feel I’m just hitting my stride.

And I’m quitting to enter a field which I am fascinated by, but have no ability in.  I have no idea how I’ll do, I haven’t done science since yr 12. I’m starting again, from scratch in a huge huge pool of people who are so smart that my head spins.  Its just my ego talking but its nice being a big fish in small pond, its great that people from across the country know of me. Admittedly in an incredibly small and incestueous industry, but still, recognition is great.
I’m not that great an egomaniac that I’ll miss that recognition for more than 5 min, but I worry that I wont be able to cope with the demands, that perhaps I may lose the optimism and enthusiasm that I have now. I worry how I’ll cope with seeing death, I worry that with the shaky nature of the medical field currently that I’ll get lost in the system as the Govt has a vested interest in having loads of highly trained doctors who aren’t quite specialist level yet and so are therefore cheap.

These fears kick on on my good days when I think I’ll get into med school, other days, (oh what am I talking about, my feelings change every hour) I think that my dream run so far has been a lovely dream, my gamsat mark was in fact incorrect and that I really shouldn’t even have had an interview.   Then what do I do?

While I feel as a performer I’m reaching my best, no one else seems to think so who can give me work, I”ve reached a professional dead end, where companies and directors like me enough, but not enough for work.

So I’m back where I am, a state of fear, trepidation and excitement. Whatever happens I’m sure it’ll be an adventure, but for now, its back to the waiting game.

The exhibition went great. It has to be said, it went as well as I had hoped and was what I had imagined all those years ago.  Well 2 and a bit, but still, its been a long gestation period.

It was so gratifying that a/ it worked and b/ people really liked it. I guess as artists we always question what we are doing, and I know for me, striking out on my own was my next big step and a big unknown as to whether my work stands up on its own.  Now with a few works under my belt, I can feel more confident that my work does stand up, and not only that, it stands up well.
I am also so lucky and grateful to have collaborators of the calibre that I do, Adam Synnott being my main partner in crime and very understanding family when I take over the lounge room.

We got a good review in Dance Australia too, so props for us.

Ok I’m done now.

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