I don’t do fear.  I used to, but not for a good while now, whether its a solo adventure in the wilderness, some crazy acrobatic trick, falling up or down rocks, or biting off more than I can chew, I dont let fear get in my way.

But now waiting for these damn medical school offers, I’m scared. I’m scared if I dont get in, and I’m also scared if I do.
Dont get me wrong,  I’m so excited about the prospect of  going to med school, that  I can barely contain squealing like a little girl, but  for a  variety of reasons it scares me too.

Doing these final performances has really reinforced to me just how much I do love dance, and also ballet in particular.  I love the movement, I even love the corny arse acting and melodrama. I love teaching it, and coaching it.  I’m actually at a point where I am respected for what I can do and what I know, I’m in a position where I can help others, and also coming into my own as a performing artist. Technically and artistically its actually just starting to come together.  And I’m quitting.
In my visual art too, the last few projects have really shown that I’m actually really good at what I do, I’m doing things that are different, interesting and of high quality, there too, I feel I’m just hitting my stride.

And I’m quitting to enter a field which I am fascinated by, but have no ability in.  I have no idea how I’ll do, I haven’t done science since yr 12. I’m starting again, from scratch in a huge huge pool of people who are so smart that my head spins.  Its just my ego talking but its nice being a big fish in small pond, its great that people from across the country know of me. Admittedly in an incredibly small and incestueous industry, but still, recognition is great.
I’m not that great an egomaniac that I’ll miss that recognition for more than 5 min, but I worry that I wont be able to cope with the demands, that perhaps I may lose the optimism and enthusiasm that I have now. I worry how I’ll cope with seeing death, I worry that with the shaky nature of the medical field currently that I’ll get lost in the system as the Govt has a vested interest in having loads of highly trained doctors who aren’t quite specialist level yet and so are therefore cheap.

These fears kick on on my good days when I think I’ll get into med school, other days, (oh what am I talking about, my feelings change every hour) I think that my dream run so far has been a lovely dream, my gamsat mark was in fact incorrect and that I really shouldn’t even have had an interview.   Then what do I do?

While I feel as a performer I’m reaching my best, no one else seems to think so who can give me work, I”ve reached a professional dead end, where companies and directors like me enough, but not enough for work.

So I’m back where I am, a state of fear, trepidation and excitement. Whatever happens I’m sure it’ll be an adventure, but for now, its back to the waiting game.

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