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Doc he cried
Help me for I can’t help but slip and slide
My hands drip,
my feet slip

I leave stains on all I touch,
it smells too! It’s just too much,
It really is quite obscene
And the other kids are kinda mean.

Is there nothing that can be done?
Can’t this curse be undone?
This moisture is surely aberrant
I’ve tried soaps, washes and deodorant

Botox, glycopyrrolate and Iontophoresis,
But I can’t shake this diaphoresis
Hmm the doc thought and pondered
Googled, cogitated and wondered.

This is a case most severe,
I’ve consulted far and near.
The only solution to ease your plight
is to take ‘em off! Alright?

With Hands and feet no more
Stumps where they were before,
no more will you slip or stain
though grasping might be a pain…

holding, pointing and standing too
but hey! No more sweating for you!
The boy didn’t think much of this remedy,
having gotten used to his extremities.

But the boy was tired and weary
of his sweaty curse. Will it hurt? His only query.
It shouldn’t, well, urr maybe, only slight
Cried the doctor as he swung with all his might

Hands went left, feet went right!
Out of mind, out of sight.
The boy landed with a bump
and sat there, admiring his stumps

No more puddle where he stood
no fetid odour – this was good!
But, though sweaty and smelly no more,
he had no way of getting off the floor…

Moisture Boy


My ultimate slow cooked ragout is a bastardisation of Heston Blumenthals recipe which i got from here:
and the official Bolognese as decreeed by the Acadmeia Italiana della Cucina in 1982 from here
This makes a reasonable pot which would probably serve, and clog the arteries of, 8 very hungry people or 12-14 less hungry people

The quantities are vague as i’m a total airhead

Meat Sauce
500gm Osso bucco
500gm pork fore shoulder
2 carrots
1 large onion
3 sticks of celery
full cream milk
red wine
chicken stock
150gm of pancetta
50gm of Jamon (probalby not neccessary, i just had some left over)
5 spice power
6 large cloves of garlic
6 bay leaves
olive oil
dried chilli flakes
1 tub tomato paste

Tomato Compote
can of diced italian tomatoes (again probably dont have to be italian, its just what i had handy)
dried chilly flakes
150ml olive oil
6 large gloves of garlic
5 spice powder
tsp coriander seeds
cracked pepper


For the meat sauce
a/ Soffrito
fry chopped up pancetta and jamon in the pot until fat has rendered
add in crushed and chopped garlic
Add chopped up carrots, garlic and celery
until raw onion smell has gone

b/ Meats
Cut up the meaty bits into chunks
brown in hot pan with olive oil ( i saved some pancetta to render with the meat)
throw meats, including bones and beautiful tendon/cartilege pots into the pot with the soffrito
Deglaze the pan with red wine and add delicious burnt bits into the pot

Pour in 500ml of red wine (i think any wine would work really) (total, i kept adding small amounts every hour or 2)
about 500ml of hot milk (total, i kept adding small amounts every hour or 2)
pour in 2 cups of chicken stock
1 tub tomato paste
Add in bunch of peppercorns, bay leaves, and 5 spice powder, and a sprinkle of dried chilli flakes
cover and simmer for as long as you have patience for

at about 6 hours i scooped everything out and hand tore all the meat into fine shreds (pretty easy as its beautifully tender) and pulled the meat off the bones
i love the cartilege and tendon bits so i tore that up too
pulled out the peppercorns and sad looking bay leaves
Chucked it all back in

Tomato Compote
on low heat with olive oil i put in maybe 15 dried chilli flakes for that bit of warmth
on medium add in the crushed garlic and finely diced onion
add in can of tomatoes
pop in a good amount of cracked pepper, and a sprinkle of 5 spice powder and the corriander
pour in a generous amount of oil and fry the snot out of it to give a nice roasted flavour.
pour off any olive oil that wasn’t absorbed by the compote.

Chuck the tomoto compote in with the meat sauce
and cook together for another couple of hours.

at this point you can fiddle with any extra salt or pepper that you think it needs
You can now freeze whatever you dont need

To finish

get as much sauce as you think you’ll need in a fry pan and fry off excess liquid – you can choose to leave a bit if you want it a touch more saucy. I made mine pretty dry
Make pasta as per instructions – lots of salted water and 15 min- i like them a touch chewy so i use the lower end of cooking time
drain pasta
throw in about 50g of butter and mix it through the steaming pasta and jiggle it vigorously. I prefer not to rinse as the little starchy bits add interest to this next bit.
Just before serving, put some butter in a pan on a med-high heat and put pasta in to brown so you get lovely crispy bits

This is an astoundingly rich dish so a small portion will probably suffice
Place a small scoop of pasta on plate, a dollop of sauce and grated parmesan